Published: August 31, 2020 7:00:58 am
“Adversity doesn’t discriminate. If you are alive, you are going to have to, or you’ve already had to, deal with some tough times,” says resilience expert Lucy Hone. After spending years on research about how to deal with grief, Hone got a chance to help her community with her study during the time of the Christchurch earthquake.
She reveals the three secrets of resilient people in her TED talk.
In 2014, Hone had to face one of the hardest tragedies: she lost her daughter to a car accident. “In the blink of an eye, I find myself flung to the other side of the equation, waking up with a whole new identity. Instead of being the resilience expert, suddenly, I’m the grieving mother,” she recounts. “I didn’t need to be told how bad things were.
“Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible. What I needed most was hope. I needed a journey through all that anguish, pain and longing. Most of all, I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process. Today, I’m just going to share with you three strategies. These are the go-to strategies that I relied upon and saved me in my darkest days,” Hone shares.
She says: “Number one, resilient people… know that suffering is part of life. This doesn’t mean they actually welcome it in, they’re not actually delusional. Just that when the tough times come, they seem to know that suffering is part of every human existence. And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against when the tough times come.
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“Number two, resilient people are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention. They have a habit of realistically appraising situations, and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change, and somehow accept the things that they can’t.
This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience… Find the language that works for you, but whatever you do, make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort to tune into what’s good in your world. Number three, resilient people ask themselves, ‘Is what I’m doing helping or harming me?’ This is a question that’s used a lot in good therapy. And boy, is it powerful…Asking yourself whether what you’re doing, the way you’re thinking, the way you’re acting is helping or harming you, puts you back in the driver’s seat. It gives you some control over your decision-making,” she explains.
“Resilience isn’t some fixed trait. It’s not elusive, that some people have and some people don’t. It actually requires very ordinary processes. Just the willingness to give them a go,” she says in conclusion.
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